I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
