I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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