you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
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he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
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I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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