I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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