life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
two words...techno handjob
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
