dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So vagazzling was a success
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
