someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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