I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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