I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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