There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
