The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
