there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
