ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i will never coherently bang her
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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