farters have to be the big spoon...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
