my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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