Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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