Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
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