So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
