I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
