If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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