Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
