Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Randomize
