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You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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