I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
