i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
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How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
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I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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