I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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