I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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