I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
