I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
