Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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