woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
