Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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