Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He better not be in your backpack
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize