i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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