News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
