If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
