He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
