it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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