Rock
Scissors
Fuck
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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