member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
