come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
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my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
did you just send me my own nude
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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