My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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