walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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