I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
