I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
There r osticjed everywhere
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
