can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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