I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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