Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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