My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I want a musical about memes.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
