its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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