ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
