I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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