So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
