i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
