The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
