Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
