We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
