fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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