Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
