Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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