benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
